For $1 million, you could pay Brian Johnson (or BryanAI?) to teach you how to live long.

It’s mid-February and the air is dry. Fine wrinkles appear on my forehead. It could be because you’re not hydrating enough, but it could also be a sign of something bigger. Every day I get closer to my own death. Soon I will turn 30. I will never be younger than I am now.

Fintech founder turned longevity expert Bryan Johnson has a proposal that caught my attention. For the low, low price of $1 million per year, I can pay him and show him the ropes of the “correct protocol” he has been following for the past five years. He calls this program “Immortality.”

Yes, a man who got Botox injections in his genitals will teach you how to reverse the aging process. Why can’t we believe that Byran Johnson has discovered the secret to living longer than any other human being? No, he has not yet proven the ability to outlive all other humans. He was born in 1977, the year in which many of today’s humans were born.

So why would I doubt the judgment of a man who strengthened his constitution with the blood of his teenage son? When has the technological elite ever led us astray? Should we also question Elon Musk when he says that saving for retirement is not important because AGI will create economic abundance so no one will ever experience poverty again?

According to Johnson’s post on X, only 3 spots are available for this exclusive service! — Includes “a dedicated concierge team, BryanAI 24/7, extensive testing, millions of biological data points, continuous tracking, leading skin and hair protocols, and access to the best treatments on the market.”

You can talk to an AI version of a guy live-streaming himself doing mushrooms for “science?” Sign up!

Except I can’t. Because I don’t have a million dollars. People like me will have to settle for buying Johnson’s expensive olive oil (it’s spicy and smooth!) in the pursuit of immortality.

The wrinkles on my forehead got worse when I realized that Johnson would easily fill three million-dollar spots. The pursuit of longevity has become an increasingly hot topic among the ultra-wealthy.

John Hering, who has provided billions of dollars in support to Musk, co-founded Biograph, which describes itself as a preventative health diagnostic clinic. The most premium membership costs $15,000 per year (which seems like a good deal compared to Johnson’s offer…almost). A similar startup, Fountain Life, raised $108 million to fund its “ultimate longevity program,” which charges an annual fee of $21,500. Of course, Johnson’s program is much more expensive, but remember there are only three spots! And if you’re not ready to shell out seven figures, you can access an obscure “support tier” for $60,000.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to live a longer, healthier life, but longevity influencers like Johnson take this to such extremes that it’s unattainable and (common sense tells us) completely unnecessary for the average person.

In his defense, Johnson isn’t trying to preach that we should all take 100 pills a day and subsist primarily on boiled vegetables. But he also doesn’t rob us of the opportunity to make him richer in exchange for his “secrets.”