I thought that if a trigger occurs it means the other person is doing something wrong. Someone interrupted me, showed up late again, or spoke too loudly. I felt my annoyance was justified. In the end, the problem clearly wasn’t me. Or at least that’s what I told myself.
But over time, I began to notice patterns that were much more difficult to sit with. The things that bother me most in other people often point to unresolved issues within me. Not in a clean, clear way, and certainly not in the way I enjoyed researching it in the first place.
Once I started paying attention, I found that those moments of frustration became effective teachers.
“When you find something, you find out right away.”
Maybe you’ve heard the saying, “If you find it, you’ve found it.” I didn’t invent it and I’m certainly not the first person to explore this idea. This appears in Carl Jung’s work surrounding the “shadow” in modern psychology through concepts such as projection. And the same is true in traditions that emphasize meditative self-inquiry.
The idea is that strong emotional reactions to other people can act like mirrors. When something really bothers us, it may be touching an unhealed or repressed part of ourselves. That doesn’t mean we’re the same as everyone else. This does not mean that their behavior is acceptable or that we should tolerate harm. It simply means there is something that resonates.
This distinction is important. “When you find it, you know it” is not about criticism or self-criticism. It’s about curiosity. It’s an invitation to look inward rather than outsourcing all your discomfort to the outside world. And while that change may be uncomfortable at first, it can be surprisingly freeing.
Triggers are human
We all have people who push our buttons. Interrupter. I know everything. A friend who is chronically late. A person who speaks loudly. A person who seems to take up all the space in the room. These reactions are not personal failures, but part of human existence.
Our brains are wired to recognize threats and negativity as a protective mechanism. Research shows that we have a strong negative bias. This means that we are much more likely to notice what irritates us than what makes us happy. It may be helpful for survival purposes, but it often leaves us feeling tense and reactive.
Research on self-reflection and emotion regulation continues to show the benefits when people are willing to examine their internal responses. People who engage in self-inquiry tend to report less stress and better emotional regulation. This means that while the work may be uncomfortable, it is not without reward.
Projection and the psychology behind it
One useful framework for understanding this pattern is psychological projection. Projection is a defense mechanism in which we attribute to others characteristics that we have denied or repressed in ourselves. Instead of saying, “I’m having a hard time with this,” we unconsciously say, “They’re the problem.”
A study published in 2001 Journal of Personality and Social Psychology We found that people who deny aggression are more likely to see aggression in others. When we refuse to acknowledge something internally, we are more likely to see it externally.
This does not mean that all annoyances are projections. But if your reactions feel disproportionate, repetitive, or emotionally charged, it’s often worth asking why. Why is this behavior? Why this person? Why this intensity?
mirror in our brain
There is also a biological layer to this conversation. Humans have mirror neurons, which help us recognize and reflect the emotional states and behaviors of others. These neurons play a pivotal role in empathy, learning, and social connections.
Sometimes the discomfort we feel toward others is not a judgment but an acknowledgment. We are seeing something familiar. Something we bury, avoid, or don’t fully embrace. That perception can feel threatening. Especially if we have tried hard to suppress that trait.
When we meet someone who openly expresses what we have repressed, our internal balance can become unstable. What’s annoying is less about them and more about the cost of maintaining our own internal rules.
Everyday examples of the mirror effect
This manifests itself in subtle ways. If it really bothers us that someone acts arrogantly, it may be because we have suppressed our own confidence or have learned that it is not safe to stand out. If laziness triggers us, perhaps we feel overworked and resentful because we are not giving ourselves time to rest. If attention-seeking behavior irritates us, perhaps we have an unmet need for approval that we haven’t addressed.
Often two or more layers are used. Human behavior is never simple. Triggers can reveal both repressed desires and deep fears. Because of this complexity, curiosity is more important than trying to reach quick conclusions.
The mirror is not about labeling ourselves as bad or flawed. It’s about understanding where our reactions come from and what they require of us to integrate.
Private lessons in the online world
I’ve been working online for almost 20 years, and it still feels weird to talk about. I lived through the early forum days, the rise of social media, and the various stages of public commentary that came with it. Over the past few years, my body has changed through pregnancies, health challenges, healing journeys, and seasons of stress.
Along the way, I received some very hurtful comments. At one point I discovered an entire online space dedicated to criticizing my appearance. For weeks, I kept those words over and over in my head and seriously considered stepping away from work altogether.
What helped in the end was not pretending the comment didn’t hurt. I was becoming more and more honest. why They are hurt. There was an element of truth that they touched on and it reflected the insecurities I already had. Even more uncomfortable, I realized that my inner critic used similar language toward myself and sometimes toward other people in my head.
It wasn’t easy to face that reality. I realized that I couldn’t control what strangers said about me on the internet, but I could control my internal dialogue. Over time, as I softened my inner voice and practiced more kindness (to myself and others), I noticed a difference. I started to see more positive aspects in my life.
Positive flip side of mirror
This principle applies not only to negative traits. We often notice positive qualities in other people as well. Because those qualities exist within us too. Admiration can mirror just as much as irritation.
When we intentionally notice generosity, courage, creativity, or kindness in others, we strengthen our ability to recognize and adopt those qualities ourselves. When we practice awareness, we grow.
Over time, I realized that practicing seeing the good in others made life lighter. It was not an attempt to ignore reality or force positivity. It was a matter of choosing where to place my attention. And that choice changed the way I experience the world.
A simple but powerful first step: Pause.
One of the most practical tools I’ve found is also one of the simplest. Stop and pause. When something triggers you, take a breath before responding. Ask what this shows you about yourself.
This simple question can disrupt your response patterns. We create space between what triggers us and our reactions to provide insight.
Pausing has had an especially profound impact on me as a parent. Children are amazing mirrors. They reflect our impatience, unhealed wounds, and unspoken expectations. Taking a moment to pause allows us to face our reality rather than defend it.
Choosing curiosity over being right
Dr. Kelly Brogan shared her story asking her daughters what they need and what it feels like to be unhealed in their relationship. She expected praise for her job as a mother. Instead, she received honest feedback that was painful to hear.
Like most of us, her instinct was to defend, explain, and justify herself. Instead, she chose curiosity. She asked questions and listened. And that choice deepened my relationships with my children rather than breaking them.
Being right often feels safer in the moment. But curiosity creates connections. This applies beyond parenting as well. Most conflicts are alleviated when someone is willing to be there for someone else’s experience rather than correcting it.
3-2-1 Shadow Process
If your triggers are confusing, a structured approach can help. One tool that has often been useful to me is the 3-2-1 Shadow Process created by Ken Wilber.
- Understand the problem from a third party’s perspective. What bothers you about them? Please name it clearly.
- Talk to a second person. Speak directly to the person in your mind and express what is going to happen.
- Finally bring it to the first person. Own the trait in some way. This doesn’t mean putting harsh labels on yourself. “There are parts of me that struggle with this too.” Or it might sound like, “I noticed this pattern too.”
When a problem is in the first person, you have the power to solve it.
curiosity instead of judgment
One of my favorite reminders comes from the following scene. ted nooseIt’s my favorite TV show. “Don’t judge, be curious,” the quote states. It’s a simple but profound reminder.
Judgment blocks learning, while curiosity opens it. Just change “I hate it when people do this” to “I wonder why this affects me.” We reclaim our agency. We move from reaction to reflection.
These changes do not excuse toxic behavior. It’s just a matter of recognizing that our peace doesn’t have to depend on other people’s changes.
Practicing self-compassion along the way
It is important to approach this task with self-compassion. Awareness is about integrating, not fixing or criticizing.
Blame tends to create more division, while compassion allows for healing. Being curious and kind to ourselves allows us to handle uncomfortable truths. I find journaling to be a really useful tool for this. Here are some messages to pique your curiosity:
- What bothers me most about other people?
- Where does this manifest itself, even subtly, in me?
- How will integrating these characteristics benefit me?
- How would it feel to be less affected by this?
What changes over time
This wasn’t linear or easy, but over time it helped me soften my reactions and bring me peace. Empathy increases and energy tied up in frustration and judgment is released.
When triggers become teachers, painful moments become guides. They point to parts of ourselves that demand attention, healing, or acceptance. The things we judge others on are often the things we are learning to hold gently within ourselves.
Final Thoughts on Triggers
The idea that a trigger can be a teacher is not a dogma. It’s an invitation to be curious and find more peace as a result. For me, it was a powerful shift from feeling dependent on external circumstances to reclaiming my inner agency.
“If you find it, you do it” is about opportunity, not shame. It’s about taking our power back into ourselves and choosing curiosity over judgment, reflection over reaction.
Rumi wrote, “Wounds are where light comes in.” Sometimes, if we are willing to look, our strongest reactions point directly to where growth awaits.
What are some of the triggers you have discovered in your life? How do you think we can turn this around and become more curious? I’d love to hear about this in the comments!
