Dr. Emily Jamea., She is a sex therapist and best-selling author. Keynote Speaker. You can meet her here every month to share her latest thoughts on sex.
A few months ago, Rachel, a client in her late 40s, sat across from me and said something that puzzled me.
“I think Jake is cheating.”
I was shocked. Jake is the last person I would have expected to cheat. Rachel and Jake have been customers for almost 10 years. They used therapy as a healthy preventive measure and sought advice through the changing times of their lives to keep their marriage on track. And it was. They remained emotionally connected and maintained a healthy sex life despite the occasional ups and downs.
“Please tell me what happened.” I gently urged.
“Well the good news is I don’t think he’s seeing another woman, but I’m not sure if this is much better. That’s weird.” She took a deep breath.
“Recently I discovered that he had developed a very intimate relationship with an AI chatbot. A few days ago I picked up his phone from the charger to ask the AI to elaborate on what my son was studying in history. That’s when I saw his chat. I know it’s wrong to scroll back through the conversation, but it was right there and I couldn’t resist. I found pages and pages of text, much of it just him telling the chatbot about his day and what happened at work. But the answer was no. It was very intimate, sensitive and comfortable, and at one point as the chat progressed he said something like ‘imagine what my skin would feel like against yours’. I’ve felt him withdrawing recently but I thought it was work stress and I had no idea what to think about it or how to deal with him.”
This was uncharted territory not only for her but also for me, her therapist. My clinical skills in helping couples navigate the impact of AI on their relationships go head-to-head with evolving technology.
technology and sex
Technology, by definition, has always shaped sex. Contraception transformed women’s autonomy. Dating apps have changed the way we meet, and pornography has changed our expectations of excitement and novelty. But artificial intelligence provides real-time, personalized intimacy without any other nervous system.
AI-powered companions can now simulate emotional attunement, elicit sexual responses, and personalize erotic storytelling. They learn your preferences. They never get tired, defensive or distracted. They never get headaches. They don’t need reassurance. They act humanely, without human need, and selflessly give as much as your heart desires.
To some this feels revolutionary, to others it’s terrifying. From a clinical perspective, both advantages and disadvantages are seen.
Let’s start with the good stuff. Another client, Michelle, suffered from chronic health anxiety. The slightest aches or pains or even a mild cold will send her into a complete spiral. She often turned to her husband for reassurance, but instead felt frustrated and impatient, which caused friction in their relationship. Feeling desperate, she took to Google to search for websites that convinced her that her symptoms were the beginnings of a scary disease like cancer. But the advent of AI led her down a different path. She found that when she shared her symptoms and concerns with a chatbot, it provided her with comfort and reassurance by connecting her to reputable sites that told her she was most likely to be okay. In this case, AI acted as a pressure valve in marriage, creating space for lighter love and intimacy.
Another couple, Seth and Amanda, traveled long distances for a year while he worked in oil and gas. They came to see me for advice on how to keep their marriage and sex life strong while he was away. They’ve been having fun incorporating teledildonics, a remotely controlled sex toy, into their long-distance sex life. Before he left, they set up pillows to mimic Seth’s heartbeat and breathing patterns, and he got a vibrator that he could control remotely through an app. They never saw it as a replacement for real sex, but it was the perfect stopgap during their year abroad.
AI can also reduce shame and promote healthy exploration. I have used AI in the therapy room with clients who have difficulty expressing their needs and preferences. Together, with the help of AI, we help you collect your thoughts and emotions as a first step before conveying them to your partner.
When used thoughtfully, technology can support curiosity, communication, and creativity in the bedroom. But there is also a darker side.
True intimacy is messy. Negotiation is required. It asks us to tolerate frustration and requires vulnerability. Human-to-human sex and love can create friction, but ironically, friction is where growth occurs and intimacy blossoms.
technical violation
Rachel wasn’t upset because of the intimate nature of the messages her husband was sending through the chatbot. She was devastated because her husband no longer communicated his emotional needs to her. He turned on the app when he felt lonely. He found stability there when he felt anxious. When Rachel sometimes refused to have sex, he avoided the inconvenience and instead turned to his AI companion. His chatbot never challenged him, never misread him, and unlike Rachel, it never required any consequences.
I’ve also had clients come to me with more extreme AI entanglements. I’ve seen a surge in young men, discouraged by modern dating and frustrated by their inability to form consistent sexual relationships, turning to immersive virtual reality porn. This is now hyper-personalized through AI. What begins as convenience or escape gradually replaces the intimacy of the real world. Intimacy in the real world is where desire is intentionally met and rejection, ambiguity, and emotional risk are manipulated through the experience. In these cases, AI is not a step towards real connectivity. It is a leap in the opposite direction.
True intimacy is uniquely human
Sex and love that deepen over time are not based on convenience. It’s based on two imperfect people learning how to talk about what hurts, what excites, and what they need from each other. Algorithms can simulate this, but they cannot replace it.
I taught Rachel how to gently confront Jake about what she discovered. Fortunately, he could see why she was hurt and didn’t get defensive. Together they decided to set boundaries on the use of AI. Modern couples have had to learn how to talk about boundaries around porn use or social media, and now they will have to learn how to discuss healthy ways to integrate AI into their lives.
We can’t deny that AI is reshaping love and romance a bit. The couples who will succeed in this new landscape are neither those who reject technology outright nor those who immerse themselves in technology without reflection. They will be the ones who stay in the conversation, ask the hard questions about secrets and substitutions, and use innovation to strengthen connections rather than avoid them. Technology will continue to advance at the speed of light. Our mission is to evolve intimacy so that sex and love can remain deeply and courageously human even in the digital age.
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