Parents ask me about food more than anything. After all, I’m a natural health woman, so of course my kids are drinking kale smoothies all the time (they’re not). When health doctrine and real life collide, what do you ultimately do? do Do I feed my children? And more importantly, how can you help them make healthy eating choices?
Food can feel like high-stakes parenting, and it’s easy to worry that misbehaving will lead your kids to develop unhealthy habits. You might be surprised to know that I don’t actually micromanage what my kids eat.
Through years of parenting, research, and personal trial and error, I’ve learned that being strict with your food is often counterproductive. Instead, I focus on providing nutritious options, modeling good habits, and trusting kids to listen to their bodies. This approach isn’t about throwing away all structure, but building autonomy and a healthier relationship with food.
Why Food Controls Often Backfire
One of the biggest shifts in my thinking came from understanding how limitations affect desire. A growing body of research shows that when we tightly control our foods, especially those labeled “junk” or “bad,” we actually want them more.
one study appetite They found that children who had limited access to certain foods were more likely to overeat when those foods became available. In contrast, unrestricted children tended to eat less of those foods. Additionally, they were more attuned to hunger signals.
If you’ve ever dieted, you may have noticed the same thing. The more forbidden a food is, the more power it has.
Psychologically, this makes sense. Restrictions create tension. We frame food as something to be resisted rather than understood. Over time, that tension can override internal signals like hunger or fullness, replacing them with external rules and emotional responses.
There is also evidence that putting pressure on children to eat certain foods, such as forcing them to eat all their vegetables, can have long-term consequences. research Journal of Nutrition Education They found that children who were pressured to eat vegetables were actually less likely to eat them later. Well-intentioned efforts to improve your health can quietly backfire.
Children are born with self-regulation skills
One of the most exciting studies in this field focuses specifically on self-regulation in young children. Research published in New England Journal of Medicine Infants have been observed to naturally regulate their calorie intake over time. If you eat more at one meal, you often end up eating less later. If you overeat one day, you compensate the next.
That means children are born knowing how to control their intake. That is, if you don’t override that system.
When food choices are tightly managed or restricted, children can lose touch with these internal cues. Instead of asking, Are you hungry? Am I full? They learn to ask questions. Is this allowed? Will I get in trouble? Over time, external control replaces internal perception.
This is important not only for your physical health, but also for your long-term relationship with food. The ability to recognize hunger, fullness, cravings, and satisfaction are skills we retain as adults. Once lost, it takes intentional work to get it back.
The Problem with “Good” and “Bad” Food Labels
Another subtle but powerful factor is how we talk about food. When foods are labeled “good” or “bad,” eating is given a morality. Eating something “bad” can cause feelings of guilt or shame, while eating something “good” can feel like a moral victory.
There is evidence that these moral frameworks may contribute to irregular eating patterns later in life. review of International Journal of Eating Disorders We found an association between eating control and risk of eating disorders in adults.
I have personally seen this play out. Growing up, certain foods were banned or considered unhealthy, mostly due to budget constraints. When I became independent as a teenager, those foods seemed irresistible. Not because it made me feel better, but because it was forbidden. It took me years to separate actual pleasure and physical reactions from psychological attraction.
Helping Children Understand Food Choices
On the other hand, when I first started eating healthy, I had a lot of harsh comments about certain foods. I don’t think highly processed foods need to be in anyone’s kitchen, but I’m focusing more on the positives now. Instead, I’m focused on helping my children (and other adults) understand what food does in their bodies.
I try to avoid ranking foods with my kids. Instead of labeling something “bad,” we talk about what it does in the body. Protein helps build and repair tissues. Minerals support electrical signals. Carbohydrates provide energy and hormonal support. This type of information gives children context without making judgments.
Autonomy as a core parenting principle
At the core of this approach is a broader belief. My children are infinite, autonomous human beings, each with their own path. My role is not to control them, but to guide them to become capable, healthy adults who trust themselves.
Food is one of the quickest and surest ways for children to experience autonomy. What they put into their bodies is important not only nutritionally, but also psychologically. Respecting one’s own agency in this area reinforces the deeper message that listening to one’s body is acceptable and encouraged.
This doesn’t mean it lacks structure. This means choosing structures that support rather than undermine autonomy.
What does it look like in reality?
Having principles and standards and actually putting them into practice are two different things. So what does it actually look like in our homes?
Food is not a reward or punishment
I don’t use food as leverage. There is no such thing as “eat this to get dessert” or “skip dinner and eat this for breakfast.” These systems can separate eating from hunger and turn food into currency.
When children choose to eat nutritious foods on their own, that choice has more meaning than if they were forced to. Voluntary choices are more likely to be maintained over time.
I provide it and they decide.
I don’t stock the pantry with ultra-processed foods, but I also don’t micromanage what they eat or how much. The house is stocked with whole foods, proteins, fruits, vegetables, and leftovers that we can make on our own as needed.
I cook one of my family meals and it is offered as an option. Our children are free to eat it… If you’re still hungry later, you can make eggs, fruit, or leftovers. I’m not a short-order cook, but I’m also not a food executor.
Modeling for Rules
As a mom, I quickly learned that our kids learn much more from what we do than what we say. When people see me eating various foods, their curiosity naturally grows. Foods that we once avoided often become habitual to us over time.
When my children were babies, when I would try a new food that I thought was questionable, I would eat it in front of them. This helped them decide that it was okay for them too.
Teaching without controlling
When children are interested, explain how food works in the body. It’s not a lecture, just a conversation. We talk about why minerals are important, how protein supports muscles, and what role electrolytes play. If they are open to learning, they will absorb it like a sponge.
Knowledge makes choices possible. When children understand why certain foods make them feel good, they are more likely to choose those foods.
eating outside the home
When my kids are at a restaurant or a friend’s house, I don’t comment on their food choices. I neither limit nor ask. Occasional exposure to foods not served at home is not harmful. This is especially true in the context of a nutrient-dense diet.
Resilience is more important than perfection. In most cases, the dose makes the poison. I think this helps reduce stress when you get a little something (e.g. vegetable oil) from a friend’s house.
Why this approach works in the long run
Research supports a balance known as authoritative parenting, which is a combination of structure and autonomy. A 2020 review found that this approach leads to healthier eating patterns than strict, authoritarian controls.
Children withdraw from their role as external regulators and strengthen their internal regulation. They learn responsibility, trust, and body awareness. And they do it without a food war.
Troubleshooting common problems
I’m sure many of you reading this have some questions and concerns about my method. And honestly, I don’t want to tell you that you have to approach eating the same way I do. This is what I find works for my kids and why we do it. But here are the top FAQs I hear from moms when I share my approach:
“Can’t they just eat sugar all day?”
In my experience, the novelty wears off, especially if the food isn’t off limits. Children may test boundaries at first, but self-regulation can reemerge surprisingly quickly. In fact, some studies have shown that children with fewer food restrictions eat fewer cookies when given the opportunity compared to children with strict food restrictions.
“What about nutrients?”
Parental responsibility remains important here. Providing nutritious options, variety, and education creates a strong foundation. From this point on, children often make balanced choices. If all the foods they have to eat at home are healthier choices, that’s what they should choose.
“Wouldn’t this cause confusion?”
Quite the opposite. Without power struggles, meals become calmer. The structure remains the same, but the tension is gone.
Final thoughts on children and food choices
Strict controls are often counterproductive, especially when it comes to food. Instead, trust, modeling, and connection tend to win over time.
My goal is not to raise my kids to wash their plates clean or avoid all “unhealthy” foods. Honestly, my views on what is healthy and what isn’t (grains, etc.) have changed over time. Instead, my goal is to raise adults who trust their bodies, understand nutrition, and can make choices with confidence long after I can no longer guide them.
When children feel respected, informed, and have real autonomy, they often rise to the occasion. I have seen this happen in my own children, and I am continually amazed at how capable and creative they are when given the opportunity.
How do you handle food at home? Are there any food rules or methods that encourage healthy eating? Let us know in the comments!
