“You weren’t there.”
These words hit me to the core.
Many years ago, I was a young father of four children. I tried to find a balance between starting a new business, serving at church, and being a good husband and father.
I owned two retail electric bike stores. One was near my house and the other was a 4 hour drive away. To keep both stores running, I drove to the second store every week and was there Monday through Thursday. I would drive home on Thursday evenings and go to the first store on Friday and Saturday. On Sunday I would serve at church all day and on Sunday evening I would return to my second burial. I maintained this schedule for about a year and a half.
One Sunday evening, before leaving for my second trip to the store, I was looking through some photos of my family and came across a series of photos I didn’t recognize. I told my wife I didn’t remember the incident. “You weren’t there,” she said, sweetly but sharply.
crystal moment
In his advice to new employees, Brad Smith, former CEO of Intuit, described two moments in our lives: Rubber Moments and Crystal Moments.
Inspiring moments are important moments in our children’s lives, and even though we as parents miss them, they can come back.
Crystal Moments are important moments in our children’s lives, and missing them shatters them. Or put another way, if we are there for our children in these moments, we can create beautiful, crystalline memories that will last a lifetime.
The challenge is knowing which is which. This is tricky because what seems like an inspiring moment for a parent can be a defining moment for the child, and vice versa.
So how do you know which moments are defining moments, and how can you be present in them?
5 habits for decisive moments
Here are five habits that can help you meet the “critical” moments in your child’s life.
1. Planning
Taking time to plan together as a family is critical to learning how to identify critical moments. When you discuss things together, hold regular family meetings, plan your schedule together, plan important events, and follow through, you create a system that not only helps keep your busy family schedule organized, but also creates learning opportunities. As you make a plan together, you will begin to learn what is important to each child. You will learn to listen to them and they will see that it is important in your busy life.
2. Communication
The second habit builds on the first: learning how to communicate and listen to your child. We all know that we can say something and our children will hear it differently. This is because we all communicate in our own language. Gary Chapman calls it “the language of love.”
The key to building a strong communication channel with your child is to try to understand your child more than he or she tries to understand you. Pay attention to how they show appreciation, affection, and concern for you and your family members. This is usually a clue as to what they value and how you can reach them. Is it fun time with your family? service? Time together? Do you say kind, encouraging words?
Learning how to communicate effectively with your child will help you understand him or her better. You will learn to recognize which moments in their lives are defining moments.
3. Concentrate
In order to make plans and communicate better with your children, it’s important for them to know how important they are to you. When you are with them, be with them. Focus on them. Make them a priority and let them know that they really are the most important people in your life.
Although you may not usually be able to be with your child as much as you would like, giving your child your full attention when you are with them goes a long way in building trust and understanding. Put down your phone. Turn off the electronics and turn on the family hub.
4. Be flexible
It is often not convenient to be present for your children. My teenage daughter loved telling stories at night. After midnight she will come back to life. My wife and I were usually exhausted, but she would come home, lay down at the foot of the bed, and start chatting and talking about her day.
As uncomfortable as this was for us, it was important that we were there for her when she was ready to talk. We tried talking at other times, but it wasn’t as good as the conversations we had under the bed after midnight. We had to be there for our daughter at that time. And yes, even if she is out of the house and in college, guess what time she wants to call and talk… After midnight.
5. Put your family first.
I have great faith in parental intuition. Sometimes we just know. If we put our children first, there will be times when we hear a little voice on our shoulder telling us we need to attend a certain event or reach out to one of our children. We can keep our children top of mind by praying for them every day, setting reminders for special events on our calendars, and keeping photos of our children on our desks. And when you get a “trigger” to do something, say something, or be somewhere… do it! Try sending a simple text. Call us by phone. Take a car and go.
When you take time out of your busy schedule to be there for your kids, especially when they don’t plan it, you show them that nothing is more important in your life than them. When they know this, they will trust you, talk to you, and open up to you.
conclusion
These five habits for creating “defining moments” in your child’s life require careful, intentional practice. The more you practice these five habits, the better you will be able to recognize important moments and be there for your children when they need you most.
