Dr. Emily Jamea., sex therapist, bestseller author and Keynote speaker. You can also meet her here to share her latest thoughts on sex.
Wondering if you’re having “enough” sex? You are not alone.
As a couples and sex therapist, one of the most common questions I hear is: How often should we have sex? People want to feel normal, and having a “range of normal” to stay within seems like a reasonable request. There are normal ranges for blood pressure, cholesterol, daily steps, and other health indicators, so why should the genders be different?
After working with couples for several years, I’ve discovered that focusing on frequency is often the wrong place to start.
Melissa and David, who have been married for 14 years and have two school-aged children, came to therapy worried that their sex life was declining. Between their demanding jobs, soccer practice, and aging parents, they had sex about twice a month.
Melissa felt guilty quoting an old Oprah Winfrey quote: In this episode, a couple claims that they have grown closer than ever before after pacting to have sex every day for a year.
“That kind of frequency feels impossible.” She was nervous. “Some days I barely have time for lunch. I love David very much and I love having sex with him, but honestly, I don’t know how I could make more time for it than I already have.”
Despite the joy and connection he felt when they found time to make love, David worried that their decreasing frequency meant they were drifting apart. He loved Melissa, and sex was the ultimate expression of love for him. “I told Mel I don’t expect sex every day. That’s crazy, but a couple times a week would be fine. It would really help if you could tell me what the average is.”
What neither of them realized was that they both described their sexual experiences as very satisfying. They felt connected, wanted, and emotionally close. Their concerns were not out of frustration. It came from a comparison. And as the saying goes, comparison is the thief of joy.
Is it better to have more sex?
For decades, researchers have been examining the relationship between sexual frequency and happiness. The findings were surprisingly consistent.
A groundbreaking study of more than 30,000 adults found that while couples who had sex more frequently tended to report better well-being, the benefits appeared to occur at a level of roughly once a week. Having sex more frequently than that was not associated with an additional increase in happiness. In other words, more and more does not necessarily mean better.
Another study made headlines when researchers asked some couples to intentionally double the amount of sex they had. What are the results? They didn’t get any happier. In fact, some participants reported enjoying sex less, perhaps because it began to feel like another item on their to-do list rather than a spontaneous expression of connection.
This is an important difference. Sexual frequency and sexual satisfaction are related but not the same.
Why we are so obsessed with numbers
Humans love metrics, but when it comes to sex, holding yourself or your partner to a certain range can backfire.
When couples become obsessed with frequency, sex can start to feel more like a performance indicator than an opportunity for intimacy. One partner may agree to sex out of a sense of obligation. Other people are likely to sense this, resulting in a frustrating experience. The focus shifts from enjoyment and connection to living up to imagined standards.
I’ve worked with couples who had sex three times a week and still felt dissatisfied and disconnected, and with couples who had sex twice a month and felt deeply connected and fulfilled.
Sexual frequency ebbs and flows over the course of a long-term relationship. It peaks during the honeymoon phase, tends to decline after a year or so, declines significantly after having a child, and then moves in a wavy pattern for a long time. Studies show that younger couples have sex more often than older couples. See this table for a breakdown of frequencies and ages.
Looking back, Melissa and David realized that before their parents began having health problems, they had sex three to four times a month. We only have too many hours in a day and too much bandwidth. Sleep and rest are more basic needs than sex, and if either feels compromised or your nervous system is chronically overactive due to stress, you’re likely to have difficulty with sex.
Secrets to Sexual Satisfaction
When researchers study sexual satisfaction, frequency is only one piece of the puzzle.
Quality sex often involves emotional connection, responsiveness, communication, pleasure, and feeling wanted. It involves feeling present rather than distracted, feeling accepted rather than judged. For some couples, quality means a passionate encounter that lasts for an hour. For others, it may be a brief but meaningful moment of intimacy before falling asleep.
The healthiest couples tend to ask different questions. How often do we have sex? Instead, they ask: Do we feel connected, wanted, and fulfilled?
How much sex is normal for you?
One of the most liberating moments in therapy is when couples realize they don’t have to meet anyone else’s standards.
Melissa and David eventually stopped comparing themselves to statistics and started paying attention to their own experiences. Instead of trying to increase frequency, I focused on creating more opportunities for affection, flirtation, and emotional connection throughout the week.
Ironically, once the pressure was gone, their sexual relationship improved. Sometimes they had sex more often. Sometimes it didn’t. But they stopped interpreting every fluctuation as a sign that something was wrong.
Research supports this view. Relationship satisfaction appears to be a key factor linking sex and overall well-being. What matters is not simply the behavior itself, but what the experience represents within the relationship.
Are you having enough sex?
If you’re wondering whether you’re having enough sex, start with a different question. Are we satisfied with our sex life? If the answer is yes, then there’s no reason to worry about how often other couples have sex. If the answer is no, frequency can be considered, but only as one of many pieces of the sexual satisfaction puzzle. Increasing frequency may not be the only solution. A more productive approach is to explore what gets in the way of desire, pleasure, or connection.
The healthiest sex life isn’t defined by numbers. It is defined as two people who are connected, fulfilled, and free to create a sexual relationship that works for them.
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